Pain

Today’s writing, what ever you want to call what I do will be somewhat different I think today. I am not sure where the Lord will lead me in this but please bare with me.

For the last couple of days I have had this feeling. Not so much the feeling I had so long ago, but it is familiar. It involves pain. For some reason I feel led to talk about pain. Not the hit the thumb with the hammer kind of pain. But the gut wrenching kind that drives you to your knees kind of pain. I know you know it all so well.

I can remember the pain I suffered. I cried ALL the time. I couldn’t hear a song on the radio without crying; I couldn’t see couples holding hands without crying. Everything absolutely everything reminded me of him, the life we shared. I am probably the only woman on the planet that could see a semi and cry (because my husband is a truck driver), well maybe not. I was constantly red eyed, puffy-eyed, never a dry eyed woman and I just knew that everyone could see it written upon my forehead that my husband had left me. That I had been left, abandoned, cheated on, walked on, stomped on, lied to, deceived, you name it, a whirlwind of hurt and anger and pain all around me. But EVERYONE could see and KNEW.

I walked in a constant daze. I didn’t know how I got from point A to point B. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sit for long, couldn’t stand for long, ohhhh the pacing I did. I know I will have to replace the carpet in this apartment when I leave…there is a definite rut in it. And the pain, a pain so real like a knife lodged in my heart. Like being ripped apart. A constant steady hurt. So real, so very real and so very very painful.

BUT this very pain is what finally dropped me to my knees, crying, pleading with God to fix it, I can remember that first cry to God, in the floor crying, God please fix this so I will never have to go thru this again. He heard me.

I guess the reason I bring this up, is it reminds me of what it took for me to finally commit myself to God. And as I think back in my life I KNOW God was trying to bring me back to HIM. Yes I had claimed to be a Christian, I thought myself to be a good godly woman and man did the enemy have me fooled!

I think about the Ten Commandments (Thank you Kirk Cameron, ahem)

1. You shall have no other Gods but me. (ok I didn’t think I did this one, but I have since learned we make gods out of a lot of different things)
2. You shall not make for yourself any idol, nor bow down to it or worship it. ( I broke it, made my husband into an idol and didn’t even realize it)
3. You shall not use the Lord thy God’s name in vain. (I did it)
4. You shall remember and keep the Sabbath day holy. (Messed this one up too)
5. Respect your father and mother. (Yep this one too)
6. You must not kill. (ok, I skirted around this one, I have since learned hate is the equivalent to killing – I can say I hated someone at one point in my life)
7. You must not commit adultery. (Jesus said if you look upon a woman with lust you have committed adultery in your heart, did that too, well not at women but men)
8. You must not steal. (Yep did that too)
9. You must not bare false witness (lie) against your neighbour. ( Oh yeah Big time)
10. You must not be envious of your neighbour's goods. You shall not be envious of his house nor his wife, nor anything that belongs to your neighbour. ( ok who hasn’t coveted?)
Yep, I was your typical run of the mill Christian and a down right sinner. I have broken every one of God’s laws at some part of my life it seems. Sad, down right tragic. BUT God NEVER ever gave up on me.

And God will NOT give up on our spouses! Praise God!

He KNOWS what it will take to draw them back to Him and to us. I am sure without a shadow of a doubt that God has been speaking incessively to our spouses, urging them to do His will. But since God is a gentleman He will not force us to do anything against our own will. However I don’t recall God ever saying He wouldn’t allow circumstances to occur to get our attention. He surely got mine!

But I do wonder, are we really ready for our spouses to come home? I can hear each of you now shouting YESSSS!!!!! But really think - are you?

When they come home, with a holy brokenness will you be full of agape love for your mate? Will you be patient as THEY heal? Will you show compassion for him or her? Realize dear brother, dear sister your mate may come home really messed up from that pigsty they been in from the far away country. I mean dirty gritty, smelly… ok maybe not smelly, but you get the idea. They will have to deal with what they did; they will deal with hurt and pain, a lack of self-forgiveness. And if they had to be brought to their knees as we did to seek Him, He who created us and loves us, they will have to heal just like you and I. Remember your spouse may have to go through a very real pain of their own, and this is why I remind you of your own pain, it is one we would wish on no one, not even our enemies. Know their pain will/may be very very real for them as it was for us… so I ask you; are you really ready?

When the prodigal came home, his father rejoiced, but his brother was angry, even pouting and just didn’t have a clue. Which one will you be? I hope I am like the rejoicing father and that I remember NOT the pain that my husband caused so very long ago now. After all it was never my husband in control, but the enemy who is out to steal kill and destroy. It is my hope for you and myself that we remember the God who healed, and the God who will heal my spouse. The God who will restore ALL that the locust have eaten. The Lord who will be rejoicing with us for one of his children has come to himself, to Him and to us.
Aug 03, 2007

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